Tag: Betrayal

Building Walls

On By Avalon Vic7 Comments

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I have a lot of experience at building emotional walls but today I got to build some different walls. Real walls! The kind that are made from lumber, as in a building, a structure. Me! I drilled through studs and used the big nail gun that is powered by an air compressor. Let me tell ya, using a big bad construction tool is empowering but the back story to my wall-building is even more empowering.

My story starts in my kitchen with its dark cabinets, ancient hardware, damaged linoleum, and autumn gold appliances from the 70’s. I know retro is cool, but this kitchen ain’t. Oh, how I’ve longed for a new kitchen! I’m talking 27 long years of longing since we bought this home. Lest you think I’m spoiled, please note that my husband’s occupation makes him an expert at remodels and construction.  The costs for such a project, for us, would be reasonable and doable. But, like the doctor whose family goes unattended during illness, my family’s kitchen remains the same as it did around the time Neal Diamond was singing “Song Sung Blue.” I’ve been singing the kitchen blues for seemingly forever.

Truth is, my kitchen sometimes triggers me. When I wrote down all my resentments for LifeStar, I couldn’t read through my kitchen story because of my emotions. I have been promised, as in “this is going to happen” “there’s no reason we can’t get this done” type promises, numerous times.

More than once, husband and I have shopped together for cabinets, tile, and counter-top materials. So much time and planning would get my hopes up and then I would sink into disappointment as one excuse or another simply fizzled away all our efforts. The worst thing is, as I look back in hindsight, the kitchen-promise episodes always occurred during times husband was acting out. I’ll spare you the details, but trust me, the memories are painful.

Part of the kitchen remodel will extend into what is currently our garage. So, husband decided to build a new garage in order to make the kitchen extension happen. And the new garage is actually being built as planned in part because the new Vic is determined to do what she can to keep construction rolling. It’s a bit intimidating to get building permits and look into hiring contractors when an expert in the field is in the same household. It’s a little like trying to paint a landscape with a painter-artist like the late Bob Ross looking over your shoulder. Despite my lack of experience, I’m trying to be more proactive in this endeavor in hopes of finally getting a kitchen with an oven that bakes evenly without me having to turn the pans midway through the process!

Fortunately for me, my husband is beginning to recognize this project as an opportunity to build more than a garage; he’s working hard to build my trust, as well. So, every evening for an hour or two, husband and I work together to measure, saw, and nail boards in order to create the framing walls for our new structure. Husband has been extremely patient and kind as I very slowly perform construction tasks that he can typically do in half the time.

Years ago, I would half-jokingly tell people that Husband and I had a great relationship unless we tried to work together! Today things are different.

After standing two of the outside walls, Husband and I took a short break. I noticed the sky was a deep blue, possibly signaling an oncoming change in weather. A light breeze cooled my heated face and softly lifted a wisp of hair from my eyes. The tree branches rustled with approval as I glanced at my husband. Signs of recovery are often so subtle that I find myself questioning if it is real. Today, there are undeniable signs of recovery, such as patience, humility, and the ability to accept imperfections. Though Husband and I both have more rough spots to smooth out, there is progress being made. We are literally and figuratively building something together.

 

 

 

More Than a Decision

On By Avalon Vic1 Comment

healing is a process

Patience is not one of my virtues! There were many days when I wondered why I wasn’t over it, yet. Why couldn’t I get over my husband’s betrayal and just move on?  It seemed like my husband’s recovery was on a fast-track while my healing was crawling along slower than a sloth. In fact, there were days when it seemed like my progress was going backward and I wasn’t making any forward steps at all! I felt like I should be able to make a decision to be happy again and then . . . well . . . I would be happy again!

Nope. That’s not how it works.

Healing is more than a decision. It is a process, a long and slow process.

It was easy for me to engage in negative self-talk when my process seemed to be going too slow. “Something must be wrong with me.” “I’m never going to be happy again!” “Why is this happening to me?” “I’m broken and I can’t be fixed.”

I engaged in my self-demeaning talk until I had the fortune of meeting with a new therapist who really understood what I was going through. She asked me how long it had been since I discovered my husband’s secret life. “Six weeks,” I told her. She smiled and said, “You need to give yourself at least a year to heal. At least a year. And it will probably take longer than that.”

Healing will take one year at the very least.  That bit of information changed everything for me.  It also helped when she explained that my husband’s recovery would not be on the same timeline as my healing. In fact, he would possibly recover from his addiction must faster than I would heal. She explained how he had been carrying his secrets, guilt, and shame for years. The weight that he had been carrying was suddenly thrown on me. Though D-Day induced trauma in me, it was liberating for him.

Everything I was told about giving myself time to heal made sense, but I still had a tendency to get impatient with my progress, especially if I allowed myself to compare my progress with the seemingly quick recovery that others experienced.  A crucial truth I had to learn: “The only person you should compare yourself to, is the person you were yesterday” (Amy Morin).

I decided that I needed a reality check. I found an old file folder and taped it to my bathroom mirror. I wrote, “Healing is a process, not a decision.” These wise words were something I remembered from counsel given to me earlier. I then wrote the date of my first day of discovery, when I found out my husband had a BIG problem. Then I wrote down the date when I discovered that my husband’s big problem included affairs with other women. I also wrote some key words of encouragement that I gleaned from a Priesthood blessing I received.

It wasn’t a pretty poster. There were no cute borders or curly-cues on it. It was an ugly manilla file folder with words written in black Sharpie pen, but it became a stabilizing factor for me. It was a constant reminder of my starting point and that I was merely at the beginning of my journey. My trauma brain was foggy, so every day I would need to recalculate how many weeks or months I had traveled in my long process toward healing.

I kept that file folder on my bathroom mirror for two years! I don’t believe healing is a final destination, but it seemed that about twenty months after D-Day, I was able to see some sparkle in my life. I could actually begin to envision a joyful future.

I think it’s important to remember that healing is not a straight and forward path. There are good days and not-so-good days. I often felt I was going backward and regressing. Keeping a journal helped me see that, though I did have days when I slipped back, overall I was making progress.

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The healing process looks like the example on the right!

I worked hard to put my life back together. I made the decision to heal, but I had to eventually accept that my decision wasn’t enough. Healing takes a lot of work over an extended period of time. For some, it might take several months. For others, it might take several years. I wrote about my two year process on another post (Two Years). The length of time we take to heal is not as important as making each day count during the process. We can only take one day at a time.

My healing journey is now my life journey. I work every day toward trying to become more Christ-like, more resilient, and better able to be present for the joy in each day. The challenges of life don’t disappear, but I feel more mentally prepared and courageous to get through the challenges.

 

 

 

Books that Don’t Go on the Shelf

On By Avalon Vic2 Comments

There it is, sitting quietly and inconspicuously in a corner of my garage. It’s a blue tinted storage bin with a dusty dark blue lid. I hid the bin there in the garage so my house guests wouldn’t find my secret stash of self-help-for-healing-and-recovery-after -discovering-my-husband-has-a-sex-addiction collection of books. These aren’t the kinds of books you display on the living room bookshelf!

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Most of the books are also on my Kindle reader, but there’s something about being able to smell the musky paper of a book, to make handwritten notes in the margins, or double underline with a variety of colors and pens. So, while waiting for appointments or for the mechanic to change my car’s oil, I pretend to be on Facebook but I am actually reading the electronic versions of my sex addiction books. When I get home, I do my underlining  in the paper version then I put the real book away in my really well-hidden blue bin.

I didn’t intend for this post to be a book review but it’s sort of ending up that way.  I was simply pondering over the many things that have changed in my life. Little things, like where do I put the book I’m currently reading? I used to have a variety of books strewn on top, under, and around my night stand.  Having books nearby makes me feel like I’m surrounded by friends. Lately, however, I feel the need to hide what I’m reading. Maybe I should wrap each book in a brown paper bag and discreetly pull each one out while I consume its contents.

Well, let me introduce you to some of my friendly books that I keep hidden from view.

He Restoreth My Soul  by Donald L. Hilton was the first book I read. It is rich in research, real stories and examples, and offers a Christ-like perspective to sex addiction. I spent a lot of time in this book and gleaned some small glimmers of hope from it while I was in the early stages of trauma.

I always have extra copies available of What Can I Do About Him Me?  so I can share with others. I like to put a copy of  this book in a pretty gift bag and give it to a devastated wife rather than tell her to download the book or buy it for herself.  I think Rhyll Croshaw, the author, will always be my hero for 1) being courageous enough to share her experiences, 2) having the intellect to figure out effective ways to deal with a sex-addicted husband. If I ever feel fear creeping back into my thinking, I go back and review Rhyll’s practical tools and suggestions.

I also have several copies of Sitting in a Rowboat Throwing Marbles at a Battleship and I’ve shared this book with both men and women that want to know the basics of sex addiction or as Andrew, the writer of Sitting in a Rowboat, calls it: lust addiction.  Andrew has a knack for describing sex addiction in simple and understandable terms. If you want to crawl inside the mind of a sex addict, this is a must-read!

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The newest published book in my collection is Life After Lust by Forest Benedict. This is a straightforward book with practical helps and strategies for those struggling with pornography addiction. Though it is written mainly for addicts, there are fresh cutting-edge ideas and explanations that can also help spouses understand sex addiction. The emphasis is on mindset, mastery, and mission (finding purpose) in recovery.  This book might become my new favorite.

Here is a list of other books I’ve read that won’t be on display in my house:

Boundaries in Marriage (Cloud & Townsend) 

Codependent No More (Melody Beattie).  I also recommend Beyond Codependency (Melody Beattie)

Getting Past the Affair (Snyder, Baucom, Gordon).

Moving Beyond Betrayal: The 5-Step Boundary Solution for Partners of Sex Addicts (Vicki Tidwell Palmer).  Excellent resource for creating and keeping boundaries! I prefer this over the Cloud & Townsend book.

Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How Partners Can Cope and Heal (Steffens, Means).

Worthy of Her Trust (Arterburn, Martinkus). Your husband needs to read this!

I’ve also read all of Brene Brown’s books along with several Christ-centered books written by LDS authors.

Everyone must find their own process for finding healing and peace. Some people focus on their physical health and fitness. Others might find solace in service or volunteer work. Music brings comfort to many people seeking healing. For me, reading is my tool for finding safety and my source for knowledge. I’ve got to have my books, even if I have to hide them somewhere!

 

 

4-7-8

On By Avalon Vic2 Comments

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I could feel my heart race as I thought about the circumstances my friend was facing. The trauma, fear and confusion from betrayal that I once experienced all came back to me. As my friend’s story of heartbreak, infidelity, and lies unfolded, I felt a cold and unwelcome darkness begin to wrap around me. Then the panic began to set in.

Though I’ve been working on my healing for over two years, I still have triggers that set me back a bit. Thankfully, the triggers are much less intense and far less frequent than they used to be. I’ve learned that I can manage my triggers before they send me into a full-blown panic attack. I’ve tried a few different methods to control my triggers and lately I’ve found some success with breathing.

Breathing exercises were not very effective for me in the early days of trauma. At times I came close to hyper-ventilating as I tried to breathe through my panic. I thought the simple act of breathing was supposed to make some miraculous change in my emotions, but that never happened. I was also a bit confused about how breathing, something I do every minute of every day, was supposed to be helpful with triggers. When I got the advice to “just breathe” I was confused. I was already breathing! Duh! Otherwise, I would be passed out!

I didn’t give much value to breathing exercises until I witnessed my 11 year-old grandson successfully use breathing to calm down. He was very upset over the possibility of missing an application deadline for honor choir. It was difficult to help him figure out solutions because he was so focused on the challenges that could prevent him from making the nearing deadline. He became visibly agitated and impatient with his mother who was trying to explain some of his options.

One of my breathing exercises suddenly came to my mind, and I calmly asked my grandson  to sit with me for a moment and try something. He agreed. Together we did the 4-7-8 method of breathing.  For 4 seconds, we slowly inhaled. Then we held our breath for 7 seconds before slowly exhaling for 8 seconds. We repeated our breathing one more time.

“How are you feeling, now?” I asked my grandson.

“Better!” he replied. Though his concerns didn’t disappear, he was more calm and able to listen to his mom’s suggestions.

I realize the actual breathing was only one factor in my grandson’s shift to calm. The real magic was in distracting his thinking as he concentrated on counting the seconds of inhaling, holding, then exhaling his breath. He was able to focus his mind on something else just long enough to stop the downward spiral of his thinking. Counting his breath helped him to clear his mind from the muddle of his panic.

It was the very next day that I felt the panic of reliving my trauma from betrayal as my friend shared with me. As soon as I felt the panic begin to overtake me, I began my 4-7-8 breathing. I repeated my breathing four times. It was slow and subtle, but eventually I could feel a sense of peace.

There are scientific reasons to explain why breathing through triggers can work. I think the science is interesting, but I really just need something that I can use easily and instantly. There are other breathing techniques that I may use in the future, but for now, 4-7-8 is working for me.

 

 

 

Core Values

On By Avalon Vic2 Comments

 

As part of my early trauma therapy, I was asked to write down my core values and beliefs.

Say what? core-values

My foggy trauma brain wasn’t functioning at full capacity so I remember writing three or four sentences that included obvious statements like: “Pornography destroys marriages.” “My family is worth fighting for.” I couldn’t pull much from my core because at the time it was enveloped in a dark cloud of deep pain.

Supposedly, my core beliefs were going to help me formulate boundaries. I had written some clear “expectations” before going to therapy, so I thought writing my core values and beliefs was kind of pointless. I figured I would simply re-write my list of expectations into therapese language and voila! My boundaries would be done. No need for all this preliminary writing on bottom lines or core values.

And then a recent situation came up that forced me to ponder my core values, again. I felt the need for a declaration of my beliefs. I wanted a written document that would become the foundation for possible decisions in the future regarding addictions in general, not just sexual addictions. I wanted something that would explain my decisions to anybody that might need to know: bishop, children, husband, other betrayed wives, addicts (not just sex addicts), and therapists, if needed.

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These are my beliefs regarding addiction that I have acquired in my two-plus years of seeking healing and peace after experiencing the devastating aftermath of addiction in my marriage. They are living in my core, deep inside of me, so they’re firmly planted. I might change some of the wording or add additional beliefs, but for the most part, I feel like these are solid. It’s nice to have something solid to stand on!

An unexpected reward came from my work. I shared the core values document with my husband. He appreciated it enough to email a copy to others he thought could use it. In fact, my husband and I are creating an additional document that changes the “I” to “we” and sending it off to family and couples we work with!

I pondered on my core beliefs for a long time. I can now see the value of using these as a basis for boundaries in my relationship. Today, I feel empowered because I know where I’m standing.

Download pdf here.

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Fire Safety

On By Avalon VicLeave a comment

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I’m listening to the constant rumble of planes overhead in my otherwise quiet community. For me and my neighbors, circling planes are a sign that there’s a wildfire close by. We usually come out of our homes when we hear the planes and start to look for smoke so we can figure out, from the direction of the smoke’s plume, if the fire is coming our way. As a safeguard, we check, once again, to be sure we have 100 feet clearance of dry grass or shrubs around our homes. Even if the danger of fire is not imminent, we are always wary and ready. (Just a note: this particular fire is no threat to my home, so I am safe to write this post!)

I always thought containing a fire was the equivalent of putting a fire out. Not so. Containing a fire involves creating a perimeter around the fire so it cannot burn beyond designated boundaries. In our area, bull-dozers scrape away vegetation and other fuel that the fire needs to continue its growth. Wide scathes of land that have been scraped and then saturated with water or fire retardant material from the planes create a “line of control” which provides safety for any structures outside the containment area. When a line of control completely encircles the fire, we say it is “contained.”

Here’s the tricky part. A fire that is 100% contained can continue to burn for days and days. As long as no structures are threatened inside the lines of control, firefighters may choose to let the fire burn itself out. Firefighters monitor the lines of control and make sure the fire doesn’t “jump” or cross over the lines. Their vigilance in keeping their lines clear and effective is imperative in keeping citizens and their homes safe.

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Our personal boundaries have some similarities to the firefighter’s lines of control. Though the word “control” might give us the idea that we can control our addict, we can’t. We don’t control our addict. In fact, our addict may choose to engage in his addiction behaviors until he burns out. We can, however, keep ourselves safe from being burned. Similar to the firefighters who create a line of containment around a fire (addict), we also need to put strong perimeters or boundaries around our own homes, ourselves.

Keeping boundaries is not an easy thing. Just like a wildfire, an addict can blow a lot of smoke! They can become defensive, minimize, or actually shift blame to others.  They might test the effectiveness of our boundaries by skirting along the edges, looking for places where we are weak so they can plunge through and continue their destructive behavior. When this happens, depending on how unsafe we are, it might be necessary to evacuate our homes or the relationship until we know our safety is ensured.

I’m often asked what boundaries look like. Well, my boundaries are not going to look like your boundaries, just like the clearance around my home, does not look like my neighbors’. I have slopes, rocks, shrubs, and trees that are unique to my property. So, I have to prune, weed, and clear around the perimeter of my home differently than someone else who has corrals, barns, or fencing to save.

Though each of our boundaries are unique, it sometimes helps to see an example of boundaries in order to have a starting point for our own. I have permission to share these partner-boundaries (click here) from an LDS wife and mother. I appreciate the loving tone of these boundaries. They seem to be written from someone who feels empowered.  Again, everyone’s boundaries should be unique, but I do believe they are best written from a place that indicates we know our worth. Fire on the horizon can instill a great deal of fear in us, but fear does not create a good foundation from which we make sound decisions.

As a final thought, firefighters sometimes fight fire with fire. If you’re living with an addict on fire, someone who bullies or demeans your self-worth, then you need to light your own fire. You need to know that you are a child of God who is worth better treatment. Feel the love of God burn within you and use that empowering feeling to guide your next loving step.

“I survived because the fire within me burned brighter than the fire around me” (Joshua Graham).

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My Sunday

On By Avalon Vic3 Comments
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Source: http://www.lds.org

She was sitting directly in front of me during our church sacrament meeting. She usually kept to herself, sort of quiet. Her hair was colored blond and styled simply. I don’t remember her walking into the chapel; all I remember is how the back of her head looked.

It was fast and testimony meeting day when members of the congregation are invited to go to the pulpit and share their testimonies of Christ. We do this once a month, so it’s kind of a routine thing. The meeting was spiritually up-lifting. It felt good to soak up the inspiring thoughts, stories, and testimonies of others.

I looked at the clock. It was time for the meeting to end. I picked up my hymnal and prepared to sing the closing congregational hymn as the bishop approached the pulpit to close the meeting.

That’s when it happened.

The woman in front of me stood and walked toward the pulpit. She raised her arm up toward the bishop, gesturing for him to wait. The bishop nodded his acceptance of her request and sat back down. I thought she was brave to hold up the meeting like that.

She walked to the steps that would take her on the raised platform where the pulpit stood. Then she stopped. She just stopped there. She didn’t move. She was frozen in that spot.

It didn’t take long for others to notice that there might be a problem. In one graceful motion, the Women’s Relief Society president, left her seat and approached the woman from behind. She gently rested her hand on the woman’s back and then came to her side, whispering in the woman’s ear.

At the same time, the organist quickly left her bench with an understanding smile. She was facing the woman when she moved toward her, all the while trying to reassure her with a confident “you can do this” kind of nod.

There they were in a small huddle. Three women. One was in need, and two were reaching out. The huddle lasted at least two minutes, a long time when a large congregation has nothing to do but wait.

After whispers and reassuring smiles, the two women moved aside while the other woman found her intended destination at the pulpit.

She was crying. She was embarrassed that she was crying. She didn’t want to cry and so she had stopped at the steps hoping to manage the tears. “The tears keep coming out,” she said as she broke down again.

And then her story unfolded. She used all the couched and coded messages of a betrayed wife: “alone” “family in crisis” “pain” and “hurt.” Her final statement was emphatic and her voice rang clearly through the chapel. “I am strong and I will be ok! I know I will!”

As she returned to her seat, I found myself looking at the back of her head once again. I wondered if she knew the stories of the women that came to her aid. I wondered if she knew that our Relief Society president was betrayed by her husband years ago and she now lives a life that is exemplary of the power of forgiveness. I wondered if she knew that the organist has battled depression and anxiety as she works through marital and other family issues. I wondered if she could ever guess that the sister behind her, looking at the back of her head, is also a betrayed wife. I wondered.

I tapped her on the shoulder. I swallowed the lump in my throat as I leaned forward  and whispered in her ear. “You are not alone.”

We, none of us, are alone. We are in the company of many good women that have walked through the refiner’s fire and come out on the other side with more resilience and strength. We can stand together with confidence. We are strong and we will be ok.

 

Post-Trauma Growth

On By Avalon Vic2 Comments

 

Was I asleep during the lesson on post-trauma growth, or what?

I’ve been traveling through this healing process armed with a load of information on post-traumatic stress disorder. I have done my homework for LifeStar and I’ve added additional work for my individual therapy. I’ve had a laser-like focus on kicking betrayal trauma in the butt and not letting the sinful behaviors of one individual, my husband, destroy who I am. Honestly, if I hadn’t worked so hard, I would have ended up in a mental ward somewhere because I was a big terrible mess. No exaggeration. The sudden discovery that I had been deceived for thirty-seven years hit me like a nuclear bomb. It’s been two years and there’s still some fallout from that nuclear mushroom cloud.

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Photo Source: US Dept. of Energy/atomcentral.com

Maybe my focus was too narrow. I don’t know. There were many times that I read how people were blessed and found even greater happiness after trauma. I had faith that what I read was true, but it all seemed so subjective. At times, I thought the promises of a better life were reserved only for the recovering addict. After all, he was finally free from the prison of his secrets. It seemed absolutely possible that his life would be much better after finding recovery.

I, on the other hand, thought my life before the nuclear bomb was pretty awesome. So, maybe the promise of a better tomorrow, for me, meant that I would finally live with more clarity and a better understanding of who my husband really is. I would finally live without his emotional brick wall that so often separated us.

In the end, it didn’t matter. Regardless of  the potential for “better tomorrows” or an “improved and better marital relationship,” I just marched forward on my focus of becoming healed and whole again. Post-trauma life seemed like a far-away land that existed in some faint dream. I operated on pure faith that my post-trauma life would be worth the work I was doing. I operated on faith because I didn’t have enough concrete evidence to do anything else.

So, what the heck? There IS concrete evidence, folks! There’s actual scientific research on post-traumatic growth or PTG. Hey, if it has its own acronym, you know its legit! Maybe the dark fog of trauma caused me to ignore this stuff. For whatever reason, as I begin to step into a post-trauma life (I like to call it “the after-life”), I’m now bumping into all kinds of verifiable and credible research on the subject of PTG.

For all of you that are still trying to find your way out of the dark hole of trauma, the hope for a better after-trauma life is real. Keep clawing your way out, because the light and sunshine ahead can actually be brighter than you’ve known before. You have to walk through a sometimes fiery path to healing before you will understand how this can even be possible, but it’s true. I’m beginning to see a new brightness of hope and joy. And . . . studies give some proof that this is possible. Check out Google Scholar for the research like this one from Jenna Van Slyke, M. S.

Although traumatic experiences can sometimes result in severe psychological distress, they can also result in positive psychological changes as a result of the trauma survivors’ struggle with the trauma. Also known as post-traumatic growth (PTG), these positive changes may include the development of new perspectives and personal growth. Current studies have shown that 30% to 90% of people report some positive changes following trauma.

. . .  One of the better known scales, the Post-traumatic Growth Inventory (PTGI), measures five broad domains that comprise a significant amount of the variance in PTG: a greater appreciation of life, closer relationships, identification of new possibilities, increased personal strength, and positive spiritual change. Greater appreciation of life following a traumatic event can be represented by a shift in priorities and taking pleasure in aspects of life that were once taken for granted. Trauma survivors may also experience increased compassion and empathy for others, which allow them to cultivate deeper and more meaningful relationships. Identification of new possibilities and increased personal strength can also be seen in trauma survivors who display high levels of PTG. For example, an individual may display higher levels of self-efficacy or a stronger belief in his or her ability to overcome obstacles. The same individual may experience a change in values post-trauma and find that he or she is able to identify a more fulfilling path for the future. Finally, trauma survivors may also experience a positive change in spirituality, perceiving themselves as being more capable of connecting with something greater than themselves (God, the universe, nature, etc.), regardless of religious affiliation.

I will now keep a summarized list from the PTGI on my bathroom mirror. New work. New life. New focus.

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Click here for printable PDF of Post-Trama Growth seen above

Two Years

On By Avalon Vic6 Comments

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It’s been two years since D-Day when my husband made his initial disclosure about his secret life and sex-addict behaviors.

Looking back over these two years, I realize that I have worked dang hard on my healing. I experienced it all: panic attacks, snot-bubble cries, a new ability to cuss, curled-up-on-the-floor cries, visions of a cast-iron skillet hitting my husband’s head, pulling-the-car-over-to-the-side-of-the-road cries, a new ability to throw things in my husband’s direction with (his luck) inaccuracy, and the propensity to cry while shopping, eating at a restaurant, in the middle of a completely innocuous discussion, or any random moment.

I still revert to some of those behaviors, but I’m changing. It’s been a long, slow process, but I was determined to not let my husband’s betrayal define me. I just couldn’t let myself stay in the bitter and heartbroken stage of trauma. Stages of trauma? I don’t know if there’s any science behind this, but let me share what I experienced as phases and stages of my own healing.

Dark Days: I am a survivor and I am becoming a thriver after experiencing betrayal trauma. The trauma is real, folks. And it’s really, really ugly.  I call the time following my husband’s initial disclosure, “the dark days of trauma.” I couldn’t see any light or hope. Everything I thought I knew about my life was stripped away. The darkness even invaded my sleep with fearful dreams and restlessness. I simply existed. I didn’t feel like praying, but I did it anyway. I prayed every morning that somehow, some way, I would get through the day. I prayed every night and thanked God that I got through the day. Day by day, with  panic attacks, uncontrolled sobbing, and absolutely no hope, that’s how I lived.

Finding Light: Then, I began to see little tiny glimmers of hopeful light through the dense darkness. I felt the small flickers of hope were like tiny bread crumbs that could lead me on a path back home to a life of hope and happiness. I was on a constant search for my small snippets of hope and considered them gifts from God. I began noting these gifts in a gratitude journal and my outlook, though still clouded in trauma, began to lift a bit.

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Discovering Gleaming Hope: Slowly, with a lot of work on my part, the light emerged and I could see the possibility of healing. I could feel the positive affect from the work I was doing, so I amped up my research, self-care, daily habits of healthy living, personal therapy, and reached out to God and others. The small snippets of hope turned into big miracles that were undeniable, real, and gleaming with God’s love. I was changing. I was becoming more resilient and able to put my faith in action. I was hopeful.

Discovering Bright Joy: I am here. I am still in the process of learning about living an open-hearted and joyful life. I am learning that I can create my own joy. Instead of reacting to events and people around me, I can process my emotions and find a peaceful place. For me, the ability to find peace brings a sense of calm and joy. I feel the brightness of joy on the horizon. It’s something experienced in moments but the memory can keep a heart warm for a long time. My heart is almost healed enough that it can hold the warmth of these types of memories without filtering through the holes left by wounds. I am almost there. Almost.

sparkle heart

I don’t know what happens next in my life. Living with a sex addict, even a recovering one, can be uncertain. I just know that each day is a new day. I know that I’m a wiser and more resilient person than I was two years ago so somehow I’ll be able to manage whatever the next thing is. My goal-driven and ambitious life of the past has been quieted by God’s constant and gentle reminder to surrender my life to him. Let go. Feel the peace. Find the joy.

 

 

Trust Fall

On By Avalon VicLeave a comment

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My husband prays every day, aloud, during our couple’s prayer, that he will act in ways that will build my trust. Every day, he works on his daily recovery routine and tries to do things that will build my faith in him. It’s working. But. BUT. I think I might be foolish to ever fully trust my husband, again. The total trust I once had in my husband fell to below-ground level when he disclosed (under a bit of coercion) his infidelities. I appreciate  my husband’s consistent efforts to win back my trust, but (there’s that word, again!) I don’t know if I can, will, or want to 100% trust him, again. Maybe, after years of healing under my belt, I’ll feel differently. Right now, the thought of giving my husband complete trust makes me cringe with fear!

Will our marriage ever fully recover if I can’t totally trust my husband? Why can’t I just close my eyes, cross my arms over my chest, and fall back with the full knowledge that my husband will catch me?  Is it because I did that for almost thirty years only to discover the person I most trusted and who was supposed to catch me wasn’t even present? My trust was betrayed!

Though I feel I have forgiven my husband, forgiveness is not the same as trusting someone.

Trust is earned; forgiveness is given freely (Rhyll Crowshaw, What Can I Do About Him Me?).

The trust issue has been on my mind since a few days ago, after my husband got a text from a female client. The text popped up when I was using his phone while mine was charging. The text was strictly business. I have known about this client, but I haven’t met her.  So, I started to ask the betrayed-wife kind of questions. “Is she pretty?” “Are your conversations always professional?” “Is there any flirting or even a hint of flirting?”

My husband was defensive, at first, but then he patiently answered every single question. Then he paused before asking me, “Do you remember us having this conversation weeks ago?”

Nope! I sure didn’t remember. That doesn’t mean that we didn’t talk about it. My trauma brain doesn’t remember much.

Things changed for a short time after that. My husband kind of detached from me for the rest of the day. That evening, he said, “I’m tired. I’m burned out.” I didn’t understand exactly what he meant until he added, “Can you take care of dinner on Sunday?” That’s when I realized what “burned out” meant. You see, my husband, ever since D-Day, has taken charge of our Sunday family dinners. It is one of the many things he does to demonstrate to me that he is worthy of my love, that he is worthy of my trust. I never asked him to do it, nor have I expected him to do that or anything else! He just insists on making Sunday dinner, driving me the long distance to group meetings, complimenting me when it’s appropriate, calling or texting throughout the day, etc., etc., and etc. .  Well,  he took a very short hiatus from his trust-building activities when he realized his efforts might not produce perfect results.

book
My husband uses this book for inspiration as he works to rebuild trust.

And I don’t blame him! This is a dilemma for both of us! He works hard to have me trust him while I’m working hard to never have a trust fall experience again. How is this resolved? It seems our efforts are in conflict.

Maybe, just maybe, we both have to accept that trust between us is going to look differently from the way it looks for other couples. Our trust is a “wise trust” that, unlike the ease of blind trust, requires work and a process. My husband must accept there are consequences to his past behaviors and that my wise trust in him will not be regained easily or quickly. I have to accept that, in order to live whole-heartedly, I must be willing to take a few risks that allow my wise trust to grow a little while still keeping myself safe from deceit. I believe that as long as we are both diligently working to improve the trust in our relationship, we are going to have a favorable outcome. In fact, research shows that working on this trust process can actually make relationships stronger.

Rebuilding trust after a betrayal is a gamble for both people.  . . . Rebuilding trust after a betrayal isn’t easy and it’s rarely fast, with many pitfalls along the way for both people. But most couples who succeed find that their relationships are much stronger for the effort (Joshua Coleman, “Surviving Betrayal”, Greater Good, Sept. 1, 2008).

“Stronger for the effort.” The end result may never be 100% trust. The end result will be a stronger relationship because we are making the effort to restore trust.  I can accept that and I trust that it can happen.

I should mention that my husband’s hiatus ended after I made Sunday’s family dinner. I don’t know if my meatloaf was subpar or if my husband simply came back to recovery behavior. I think it’s the latter because I really am quite capable in the kitchen!  We’re both back on track with our trust restoration work and that’s all that matters.