What About Me?

The following was written five months after my husband’s excommunication from the LDS Church.

christus-lds-454706-tabletLife is not fair and I am certainly feeling that is true in my life right now as I continue to feel the pain of betrayal trauma. My husband will one day be re-baptized and will be cleansed of all his past sins. He will rise up out of the water perfectly clean of all wrong-doing and he will have to change to begin his life anew. But what about me? While my husband begins life as a new man, I will be left broken, worn, and hurt. How can that be fair or just?

I have struggled with thoughts regarding all the pain my husband has caused my children, extended family, our friends, and mostly me. To count each specific lie and sin throughout our married years would be impossible.

There is no way that my husband could ever pay the price for his sins during his earthly life. That is why we have a Savior.

My husband will do all he can to repent and make amends, but it will never be enough. The Savior will make up the difference. It is the only way.

So, what about me?

A recent experience helped me better understand what might be in store for me. I was dreading the Sunday that my grandchild would be blessed. I would have the painful reminder that my husband was not worthy and would not be in the circle with other good brethren participating in that ordinance. I felt that, after all the years of working to have a gospel-centered home, I was being punished with a broken family and a broken heart.

There was nothing special about the way the meeting began, but I slowly felt a change happen. I was suddenly aware of the good people in my ward and I could feel their love. I felt the powerful testimonies of my faithful adult children sitting on either side of me. I had an overpowering sense that I was at the right place, doing the right thing, and that the Lord approved of my efforts overall. I felt no sense of loss when the circle of brethren, without my husband, surrounded the newborn. I was only aware of a profound sense of love. I thought, “This must be how a healed heart feels.” The feelings lasted just long enough for me to know that a broken heart can be mended through the miraculous power of our Savior’s atoning love.

Just like my husband, I also can rely on the Savior’s ability to make up the difference.

My pain is so acute and my hurt is so deep that it seems impossible that I can ever again experience joy in this lifetime. By myself, I do not know how to heal completely and wholly. I believe that I can learn coping tools, study the gospel, and pray, but it may not be enough. The Savior who paid the price for my husband’s sins will also heal my heart. He will make up the difference for us all.