The are times when I can give awesome advice. There are times when I have unstoppable courage. There are times when I am so in tune with the Spirit, I have no doubts concerning the most important answers about life. When I am writing in my journal or invited to respond in writing to a question or concern for someone else, I have expotential courage. Oh, yes! I’m a valiant warrior woman when my pen hits the page. Sometimes I feel I am my bravest self when my life is written on paper. I project magnificence on the printed page!
It is a careful and methodical process when I attempt to write down the perfect thought to share with others. Surely, I can inspire and buoy others with my profundity. Yes! I know all about the addiction cycle and how someone behaves when in addict mode. I have great ideas about boundaries. I’m doing the 12-step dance every day along with scripture study and prayer. You need an article? Give me a second and I’ll find the perfect conference talk for your solace and comfort. Look at me! I’ve got this!
The reality is that writing down my thoughts gives me time and forces me to think things through.
I can quickly delete or erase any of my misdirected thoughts when I’m writing. The end result is that I sound mighty terrific! I can easily give the appearance that my healing progress is right on the mark. No foul-ups. No overly emotional responses. Ever.
Paper brave does not, however, save me from the moments when sobbing and hugging the floor is the only thing I can manage to do. My paper brave self cannot eliminate triggers that, without any warning, jump out and catch me when I’m off-guard. Paper bravery does no even exist when my imagination conjures up horrific images or scenarios that terrify me to the core in order to “fill in the blanks” of my husband’s disclosures. There are moments when my unstoppable courage halts, when I can’t think of any decent advice, and when detecting the Spirit is a challenge. Those are the moments when trauma takes over and my bravery cowers in the corner.
Fortunately, during times of trauma, I can read my journal filled with audacious counsel and guidance. As I read, I wonder, “Where is that warrior woman? Where did she go?” I keep reading until
I find myself again.